


Being Powerless

by movieexpert1978



Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: Gen, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-10-06
Packaged: 2018-04-19 17:30:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4754972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/movieexpert1978/pseuds/movieexpert1978
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On a whim Red decides to look after a stranger off the street. He gets inserted into a totally different world that while deals with the mind, has nothing to do with criminal activity, but he is determined to see this through and make sure the girl stays safe...even from herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> September 7th-13th is suicide prevention week. Nobody addresses it like they do other problems like smoking or loosing weight but I feel that mental health is just as important. I'm writing this story so that maybe people can understand what goes in with a person who battles depression or social anxiety. Writing helps me and I've been watching The Blacklist a lot lately so I wanted to write a story. This story deals with mental issues as well as self-harm so please if this is sensitive to you please don't read.   
>  I did do the same thing last year but set in the tv show Person Of Interest.   
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/1007167/chapters/1997019 here is a link if anyone is interested.

Ch. 1 

Raymond Reddington was bored out of his mind right now. He wondered the streets thinking about a possible Blacklist candidate. He couldn’t think about one from the top of his head at the moment as he kept walking. He didn’t want to keep his Lizzie waiting after all.

“The hell is wrong with you!?”

Red heard someone shouting down an alley, making him pause and looking in that direction. He saw a young man and woman arguing, well more of the man yelling and the girl looking down at her feet. He twitched slightly as he knew that body language.

“Can’t you just be happy for once?” The man snapped.

“It’s complicated.” She answered quietly. 

“How can it be complicated!? Get over yourself other people have it worse that you and I thought you said you were taking meds. Doesn’t that make all of this go away?” He asked annoyed.

“I told you it takes a while to start working.” She nearly whimpered out. 

“This is ridiculous. You need to just shake it off.” He snapped and pushed at her.

“Ow…stop. Don’t do that.” She pleaded shaking.

“Do what?” He said pushing her again. 

“Stop pushing me.” She whimpered. The man pushed her into the wall and grabbed hard at her shoulders making her neck snap back and hit her head hard.

“Get off her.” Red growled at the man. 

“Hey man get out of here.” He snapped.

“Maybe I wasn’t clear enough.” Red stated pushing his gun into the man’s gut. He practically jumped away from the gun and started backing away.

“Wh-whatever, I’m done with you anyway.” He said before running off. Red put his gun away and turned to the girl. She tried to step forward, but only ended up falling into Red’s grip. “Easy there.” He said gently. 

“I’m sorry, I’m a little dizzy.” She mumbled. Red glanced at the wall, but didn’t find any blood and nothing when he traced her scalp. She was a brunette with blue eyes, short and fragile. 

“Take deep breaths.” He instructed. She tried to but only slumped further into his grip.

“My head’s spinning.” She groaned. Red made a call to Dembe to bring the car up as he slowly guided the girl back to the street. “Thank you for your help. My name’s Elisa by the way.” She said as she slowly stumbled to the car.

“Call me Red, it’s a nickname.” He answered. She smirked as the car pulled up and he placed her inside. She buried her head in her lap as the car started moving. “Do you feel sick?” He asked, looking for the signs of a concussion.

“No, it’s just that even with my eyes closed I feel like I’m spinning, like I just got off the spinning ride at a carnival.” She explained. He rubbed her back in comfort keeping an eye on her as Dembe took them home. By the time the car stopped Elisa’s vision finally stopped spinning. Red still supported her as they took her inside and sat her down.

“Can you see my fingers ok?” He asked waving them around.

“Five right?” She asked watching his fingers move back and forth with her eyes. She was following them without moving her head which was good. 

“Does anything hurt?” 

“Any chance I can get an ice pack for the back of my neck?”   
Red pulled one out and wrapped it in a cloth and then handing it to her. She flinched at the cold but nodded to him in thanks. “Thank you.” She said politely. It was then that she looked around and realized she was in a very nice mansion. “Is this your house?” She asked amazed as she got up and started to look around. Red turned to her after he put his fedora down. 

“Be careful walking.” He insisted.

“I’m fine now. My neck’s just sore.” She explained. He looked her over and saw that she had be just over five feet. The boy seemed to tower over her back in the alley.

“To answer your question yes, this is one of my many houses.” He answered.

“This is really nice.” She said looking around again.

“I take it that man was your boyfriend?” Red asked curiously. 

“Yeah…was I guess.” She mumbled. “It was more one sided anyway.” She added. 

“I’m sorry.” He said respectfully. She only shrugged not feeling much. Red looked over her body language again and noticed the dull looked in her face. “Something wrong?” He asked bringing her away from her day dreaming. 

“It’s…it’s…I don’t know.” She mumbled. “Just curious do you have a normal name?” She asked with a small smile.

“Raymond.” 

“Raymond…sounds so elegant.” She said wondering off. 

“I don’t mean to be intrusive, but I heard you were taking medication.” He spoke up. 

“Anti-depressants.” 

Red gritted his teeth for a moment as he realized that this was some serious trouble.

“Would you like some water?” 

“Yes please.” 

He sat her down and handed her a bottle of water. It took him a moment to realize that she was staring at him. “You look good in a suite.” She complimented.

“Why thank you.” He said proudly. He always took pride in his appearance.

“He kept telling me to shake it off, that it was no big deal, but I think it only made things worse. I’m on these meds that make me feel just blah. I don’t feel happy or sad or interested in things anymore. The doctor says it takes at least three weeks to start working so who knows.” She shrugged. Red had his own share of mental health problem, especially when he lost his family, but back then he didn’t have meds, he found a distraction, scotch, a deal, women, or a Blacklister. Elisa didn’t have those options, she was a young woman just making her way in the world. 

“I’m not trying to be insulting but you seem calm right now.” Red explained.

“Yeah I know. I’m not feeling anything right now. Sometimes I can be really happy, like a high almost and then the next day I could be crying my eyes out.” She answered.

“I’ve had my own share of problems too, but honestly I don’t understand some of this because I had to deal with it on my own. Back then we didn’t need any medication and I’m not saying it’s a bad thing for you.” Red insisted placing a gentle hand on her wrist. She nodded in understanding. “Can I asked what happened?” He asked cautiously.

“Family stuff, my parents keep breaking up with their partners. My dad broke up with his fiancé; my mom broke up with her partner. I’m just sick of it.” She explained starting to cry. Break-ups were hard; he could understand that, especially in Lizzie’s case at the moment. “My parents divorced when I was eight. Then my mom goes into another relationship not long after and I loved them too. My dad meets someone they get along, he gets a ring, but the thing is that he’s here and she lives in Arizona.”

“Ooh, long distance relationships are hard.” Red muttered and she nodded.

“Yeah I get that, but she’s just sweet and all he did was complain about her so much it drives me crazy.” She grumbled. 

“Did you love her too?”

“No, she was more of a friend. She wasn’t in my life like my mom’s partner was.” She explained.

“Did you mother…love another woman?” 

“Yeah, I knew her since fourth grade. I’m going to collage now.” Fresh tears came and she tried desperately to hide them. “Sorry.” She whimpered out. 

“When you love someone you have no control. That’s what love is, being powerless.” Red said strongly. She started crying even harder and Red pulled her into his arms as she sobbed. It was then he realized that she needed someone to talk to. She felt alone in a whirlwind of emotions and she needed someone to guide her. 

He would gladly do that for her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of self-harm in this chapter.  
>  I don't own The Blacklist as the show is owned NBC.

Ch. 2 

It had been a little over a week since Elisa met Red. He was very generous to her, despite being basically a total stranger, but she didn’t care. She took a deep breath before dialing his number. 

“Elisa, how are you?” He answered warmly. She smiled at the tone as her day just felt a whole lot brighter. 

“Better, ummm are you free tonight?” She asked nervously. 

“Other than being bored, not at all.” He teased.

“Would you like to…come over to my place for dinner?” She asked cautiously.

“I’d love to. What time?” 

“Is seven ok?” 

“Seven would be lovely my dear.” She giggled at the sweet words. 

“I’m making goulash is that ok?” 

“Oh that sounds yummy.” He teased and she laughed. His phone beeped as he got another call. “Oh sorry, Elisa I have to go another call on the line, just text me your address and I’ll be there.” He said. 

“Ok, bye Red.” He reluctantly answered the other line.

“Got a case?” Agent Keen called out. 

“Lizzie, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but no nothing unusual has come up as of late.” He answered. 

“You sure? It’s been two weeks Red.” She added.

“Lizzie when I have something I’ll let you know.” He finished.

“You sound like you have a date.” Lizzie commented.

“I do actually.” He said before he hung-up. Lizzie stared at the phone before she shrugged. She’d call him back tomorrow and asked how it went.

Xxxxx

Elisa hurried when she heard a knock at the door. She smiled at Red and let him in.

“Here, for you.” He said handing her a single rose. 

“Awwww, thank you Red.” She smiled. It was then that he spotted scars on her arms. He didn’t say anything as she guided him into the kitchen. 

“Oh my gosh it smells wonderful.” He said sincerely. 

“Please sit, oh crap, sorry, let me take your hat and coat.” She said quickly. 

“It’s ok no worries.” He said kindly handing her his hat and navy blue coat. She tucked it away and pulled out some plates. 

“Do you want something to drink? Water, milk, some alcohol?” She asked. 

“What kind?” He asked curiously. She didn’t seem like a wine kind of girl anyway. 

“Red’s apple ale and mike’s hard lemonade.” She answered getting out silverware.

“You know what, I’ll try a lemonade.” He answered. She opened a can and handed it to him.

“Be careful, it’s eight percent, so it’s the good stuff.” She teased. 

“Good thing I didn’t drive.” He teased back. Even though he was used to his wine and scotch he took a sip and it wasn’t that bad, in fact he could get used to it. “Would you like some help?” He asked as she kept moving. He wondered if today was happy high day for her as she just kept moving back and forth. 

“No thanks. Just sit, I’m getting some salad.” She explained.

“Are you Italian?” 

“My grandmother is Italian and my grandfather is Polish.” 

“Double whammy.” Red laughed. She placed down his salad bowl and got the goulash, before finally sitting down with a sigh. “Looks wonderful.” Red smiled as he started to eat the salad. 

“What do you do for a living Red?” She asked. 

“I make business deals.” 

“Oooh do you travel a lot?” She asked excitedly. 

“Yes I do.” He answered. “What do you do?”

“Nothing special, I work in fast food and some stage work in the summer.” She answered with a shrug. 

“Stage work sounds like fun.”

“I help build them at the park, heavy duty stuff.” She explained. He started eating the goulash and hummed at the taste.

“This tastes so good.” He grinned making her blush. 

“Thanks, family recipe.” She said. Dinner went very well as she and Red talked about things. Dessert went just as well with cookies and cream ice cream with sprinkles on top. Before they knew it dinner was over and Elisa gave Red his hat and coat back. 

“I had a very nice time tonight Elisa.” He said sincerely. 

“Thank you for coming.” She blushed. She scratched at her arms nervously and again Red noticed the scars. “Well, goodnight Red.” She said quietly. He took her hand and kissed it making her blush and giggle. 

“Goodnight Elisa.” 

She watched him get into the car to make sure he was safe before the car drove off into the night. 

Xxx

“So how’d your date go?” Agent Keen asked at her meeting with Red. 

“Very well, we had goulash and ice cream.” He answered proudly. She looked at him surprised and slightly confused. “A nice young lady named Elisa. I would actually like to look up a few things on her for me.” Red said handing her a note with her name and number. 

“Why is she a blacklister?” Keen asked making Red laugh. 

“Far from it, I met her on the street because her ex-boyfriend was going to beat her up.” Red explained. Keen’s eyes went wide. 

“You didn’t kill him did you?” She gasped. 

“No, he ran when he saw the gun.” Red answered so plainly Keen rolled her eyes at him. 

“So what’s the big deal with her?” 

“I need to see her medical records. She’s on anti-depressants and I’m worried she might relapse because I saw scars on her arm.” Red explained. She looked at him and saw that Red was being very serious. 

“I’ll see what I can do.” Keen said gently.

“Thank you Lizzie.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide week was September 7th-13th and that is what I am writing this story for. Mental health is very serious and personal issue for me that I feel needs to be taken seriously.   
> I write stories like this to help vent and maybe get a point across.   
> This chapter includes mention of self-harm. 
> 
> I don't own The Blacklist as the show is owned NBC.

Ch. 3 

Elisa was exhausted with all the projects she had to do. The next few weeks would be busy for her as she locked herself away in a lab editing away on a film project. Throughout loading times she read from her class book that she had to respond on. She jumped when her phone vibrated. She looked to see Red had texted her. 

How’s your evening? 

Busy working on school projects uuugh 

Anything good? 

Just a film project and reading a few chapters 

What book? 

Pride and Prejudice 

Oh a classic 

I hate it. I read it in high school too. 

I take it that it’s a class book? 

Yup. 

Are you going to be ok walking home? 

I’m not walking home silly, I just need to get to my car that’s all. 

Ok well be careful. 

Thanks 

Red sighed as he looked over Elisa’s file. She had a history of depression with counseling, medicine and a trip to the hospital. Keen had warned him the file wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t. He waited another hour before driving by her house to see her lights on and her wondering through the house. It was few minutes before the light went out and Red was satisfied for the night. 

Xxx

Another blacklister finally came up and he became busy with Keen again. She didn’t mention Elisa to him until they were in private. 

“How’s Elisa doing?” She asked curiously. 

“Are you jealous Lizzie?” He teased making her roll her eyes. 

“I read her file too you know.” She snapped back. 

“She’s busy with school projects a lot of late nights I would imagine.” Red answered. 

“What does she do?” 

“Film and theater.” 

“She sounds nice.” Keen said sincerely. Red only nodded to focus on the case. 

Xxx

He came home a few nights later tired with a heavy sigh. He slumped over and looked at his phone unsure of what to do. On a whim he dialed a number. 

“Hey Red.” Elisa answered. 

“I’m sorry if I woke you.” He mumbled. 

“No it’s ok. I’m still on campus editing like crazy.” She answered. “Hey if you want you can come over to campus. We have a twenty-four hour coffee shop here if you’re interested?” She suggested. He hadn’t planned on sleeping anytime soon anyway as he was way too wired. 

“Sure, I’ll be there in…fifteen minutes.” He said after he checked the clock. 

Xxxxx

She waved him over and handed him a cup of coffee. He blinked as he saw red marks peeking out of her sleeves. 

“Something happen?” He said pointing to her arm. 

“Just a scrape, nothing serious.” She answered quickly making an angry mental note to herself. She didn’t want Red to see her marks. They sat down with heavy sighs and silence for a few moments as they drank. Red couldn’t stop thinking about her arm as they stared at each other. “So how come you’re up so late?” She asked. 

“I just go home from a business deal.” He answered.

“And you don’t go right to sleep?” She gasped.

“No, a deal makes me too wired.” He explained. 

“Almost done with my project, just one more day I hope.” She grumbled. He could see her blinking hard to keep her eyes open. 

“Let me walk you to your car.” He suggested. 

“Is it that obvious? I’m sorry.” She blushed. He waved it off and put an arm around her as they walked. “Want me to drive you to your car?” She asked. 

“No thank you. Get some sleep.” He said. 

“You too.” 

He watched the car drive off and he could just feel the dread building up in his stomach. As he walked back to his car he wondered if he could get someone to tail her, but thought against it. He grumbled to himself as he tossed the empty coffee cup away. He needed some advice from Lizzie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Red doesn't text but it's part of the story, sorry about that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't own The Blacklist as the show is owned by NBC.   
> There is self-harm and mentions of self harm in this chapter.

Ch. 4 

In her panic when Elisa got home she grabbed the nearest knife and started cutting. She hoped Red hadn’t caught on as she just scraped away making blood appear. She worked on that spot for fifteen minutes until it started to hurt to the point where she couldn’t cut anymore. She crawled into bed careful of her wound.

Xxx

“I need some advice Lizzie.” Red said when she came into the house.

“You need advice from me?” Lizzie asked amazed.

“It’s only going to happen once in a blue moon.” He stated frowning at her. 

“Oh…I take it this is about Elisa?” She asked sitting down next to him.

“Yes, I saw a red mark on her arm. I think she might be hurting herself.” Red explained. 

“Tell her she needs to see a counselor.” 

“It’s not that simple, she’s too quiet.” 

“But you told me she’s very talkative when you had dinner.” Lizzie pointed out. 

“That’s because I start the conversation. She’s very shy and keeps to herself. All she does is school and work as far as I can tell.” Red said. 

“I take it you didn’t tell her exactly who you are by the way?” Lizzie asked curiously. Red practically glared at her for the question. “I’m just making sure. I know who you are and here I am.” She protested. “She seems to trust you. If she needs help she’ll come to you I’m sure.” Lizzie said comfortingly. 

“By then it will be too late.” He muttered. 

“Red, we deal with criminals! I don’t know what to do in a situation like this as much as you do. I’m sorry I can’t be more help.” She sighed. 

“Don’t be sorry.” He said taking her hand and squeezing it. “This is out of my element too.” He grumbled. 

“Wait…what if I met her?” 

Xxxxx

Red managed to set up a lunch date with Elisa a few days later. When he saw her he tried to hide the fact that he was horrified. She looked exhausted and she practically slumped into the chair. 

“Hey Red.” She said weakly.

“Everything alright? You look exhausted.” He said. 

“Yeah, haven’t been sleeping well and I had a few tests this week.” She answered.

“I have a friend coming by if that’s alright?” He asked cautiously. 

“No, that’s fine.” She said with a wave. Keen came by with a tray of food a few minutes later. 

“Hi, my name’s Elizabeth.” She said with a handshake.

“Elisa.” She smirked quietly. 

“Red’s been bragging about you, you know.” Keen winked at her. Elisa’s eyes went wide looking at Red as he playfully shrugged. “He tells me you’re a hard worker.” 

“I try to.” Elisa said quietly as she took a bite of the nachos Keen got. Red watched her closely and felt terrible for her. She looked like she was going to fall asleep on the chair. Keen and Elisa did most of the talking. He noticed she itched at her sleeves and it made him all nervous again. All too soon the food was gone and the conversation ending. “Well I hope to see you guys soon.” She said with a wave. She took a small stumble as she lifted up her backpack. 

“What have you got in there bricks?” Keen teased. 

“Close enough.” She shrugged back. She flinched when Red touched her arm where the cuts were. 

“Do you need any help with anything?” He asked sincerely. 

“No thanks. I’m fine really.” She insisted. “Are those sun-glasses?” She asked pointing to his amber-shade glasses.

“No, they help me see. I’ve always had a problem with my eyes.” He muttered. Too much time staring at fire. 

“Well thanks for lunch Red. I’ll see you later.” She said quickly and quietly before she left. 

“I know college is rough, but she looks exhausted.” Keen spoke up when Elisa was gone.

“Something’s going on with her.” Red stated.

“She’s a nice girl though.” Keen said sadly.

“I know.” 

Xxxxx

She just couldn’t stop crying today. Class work made her miserable, being on the computer allowed the tears to come and when she was alone she burst out sobbing. She just couldn’t feel happy today. She had crashed hard from her emotional few days. She came home and just cried on the couch, not knowing what else to do. She tried to watch a funny show, but even after a few laughs she cried all over again making her turn off the tv. She ignored her phone as she crawled into bed. She cut furiously at her arm, not paying attention to where she cut it until it hurt too much to continue. She eventually passed out on the bed. She woke a few hours later and looked at her phone to see a message from Red. 

Hi 

The message had been two hours ago and she slumped over in defeat as she began to type. 

Hi 

Feeling ok? 

The message was immediate and she was glad he wasn’t asking questions. 

Yeah, had a nap.

That’s good 

She slumped with a heavy sigh as she was unsure of what to say, but Red didn’t text her back. She put the phone on the charger and set her alarm before surrendering to a restless sleep. The days didn’t seem to get any better as rain set in and Elisa’s sad mood continued. She stopped talking to Red and she figured he had to be on business anyway. Until she heard a knock at her door.

“Oh…hi Red.” She said quietly, but still surprised. He lifted up a six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. 

“Mind if I come in?” He said with a grin. Of course she let in, taking the cans and placing them on the kitchen. “Oh my God! Elisa what happened to your arm?!” He gasped as he held it gently. She wanted to run and hide as she realized she wasn’t wearing her hoodie to hide the cuts.

“Nothing really, I just fell and scraped my arm.” She answered nervously. He didn’t believe it for a second, but he knew better than to press it. 

“Must have been one hell of a fall.” He said sympathetically. The wounds looked rather fresh and were starting to scab over, but it also looked like she had been picking at them.

“Does it hurt? You might want to get checked out in case of infection.” He insisted. 

“I’m fine Red, really.” She said taking her arm away and opening a can. Red watched her take a swig of the drink before looking at him. “Did you make some good business?” She asked. 

“Yes actually.” He and Lizzie had taken down another blacklister so he decided to celebrate with her. He should have known better than to bring the drinks as she ended up drinking four and he only had half of one. 

“You ever watch this lawyer show?” She said pointing to the tv screen. 

“No, I don’t really watch a lot of tv. I always wanted to be a lawyer though.” He answered. It wasn’t long before she slumped over on his shoulder. He picked her up and carried her into her bed room and wrapped her up in the bed sheets. He looked in the open night stand drawer and sighed when he saw the knife inside. He looked down at her sleeping form and sat down at the edge of the bed. Being Red, he looked around some more and found an empty bottle of pills...with no refill. 

She had stopped taking her medicine. 

He heard tapping on the window and looked to see it was starting to rain. He left her bedroom door opened as he slumped into the guest bedroom and cautiously fell asleep. When he woke up Elisa was still fast asleep so he decided to make breakfast for her. When the food was done he gently rubbed at her shoulder. 

“Elisa.” He called out gently. She looked at him half-asleep as she started to wake up.

“Red what are you-oh yeah never mind. Wait…why are you still here?” She asked confused.

“You passed out. I figured I would stay and make sure you were alright.” He explained. “And I made breakfast.” He boasted. They ate mostly in silence as she was too embarrassed to say anything. “I’d like to talk to you about something.” He spoke when the meal was done. “You can trust me Elisa. You can trust me with anything I promise you that.” He insisted.

“Red…” 

“Why are you hurting yourself?” He asked. She immediately went on the defense. 

“I am not hurting myself. I told you I fell.” She snapped. 

“Elisa, I can be the biggest klutz in the world if I wanted to and I know what a scrape looks like.” He said calmly. 

“It’s none of your business.” 

“It is my business because I am your friend and friends look out for each other.” He stated.

“I don’t have friends outside of work.” She muttered. 

“You stopped taking your medication too by the looks of it.” He added. 

“Get out.” She ordered. 

“Elisa…” 

“No get out!” She shouted pointing to the door. “You had no right to go snooping around my room.” She argued. 

“I’m trying to help.” He said too kindly for her liking. 

“I don’t want your help! Get out!” She shouted. 

“Elisa...?” 

“Now!” 

He only nodded as he put on his coat and hat and slowly walked out the door, listening to the sound of thunder off in the distance. 

Xxxx

“How did it go?” 

“She’s hurting herself and she stopped taking her meds.” Red answered glumly. 

“Red, you know better than to snoop around.” Keen sighed. 

“She was wearing a t-shirt. Basically her whole arm was blood and scabbed. I found an empty bottle and the knife she uses in her bedroom.” He explained. 

“I’m sure that went over well.” Keen grumbled. 

“She kicked me out.” 

“So now what?” 

“I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys caught my Boston Legal hint and in real life James Spader needs those glasses to help him see.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of self-harm and slight gore in this chapter just to be forewarned.   
> I don't own the Blacklist as the show is owned by NBC.

Ch. 5 

She stopped talking to Red all together. She didn’t answer his calls or his texts and she always checked to make sure he wasn’t at her home. She shouldn’t have opened up to him like that so quickly. She should have known better. She thought she could trust Red but apparently that was too much because he looked through her room. He had no right to do that. So what if she was cutting her arm, she did that a lot it was normal for her. She didn’t ask him what he did in his spare time, it wasn’t her business. 

But she missed him though. She missed him terribly. She never felt so alone, especially now that the holidays were coming up. Thanksgiving was coming up followed by Christmas which meant more family drama. Another year of choosing where to go for the holidays, mom or dad. She hated it and it made her want to stay home. Which made her make up her mind. She would stay home for Thanksgiving. She had another few weeks to decide on Christmas. When the holiday came she had a two turkey legs and a thigh all to herself. It was snowing outside now and she got to work on her food for the night, when he phone rang. 

It was Red. 

She ignored it at first, but he called a second time and she hesitantly answered the phone. 

“Hello?” 

“Happy Thanksgiving Elisa.” Red’s voice called out happily.

“Happy Thanksgiving Red.” She said quietly. 

“I’m having some friends over if you would like to join me?” He suggested hoping she would say yes. 

“No thank you.” 

“Elisa, I just want to help.” He explained. The silence went on to the point where he thought she had hung up when he heard her sniffle. She was crying now. “Elisa I can come over if you want.” He called out. 

“I just need to be alone.” She answered wiping her tears away. 

“It’s been over a month. I’m worried about you.” 

“You looked through my stuff. You don’t just do that someone when someone’s asleep.” She insisted. 

“You need to talk to someone and if you don’t want to talk to me that’s fine, but it’s not normal for someone to hurt themselves like that.” He said gently.

“It’s how I cope.” 

“You don’t need to do that. I’ve seen you happy, genuinely happy, and you are just the sweetest person. You have the brightest smile, you’re smart, you’re beautiful and you have a lot going for you. You don’t have to throw it all away.” Red said gently. 

“Red, I’m sorry, but I have to go.” 

“Elisa, wait.” He pleaded. 

“Have a good holiday.” She said quietly before she hung up. He let out a bitter sigh as he closed his phone. She wiped her tears away and looked down at her arm. She thought about it, but she still had the food out so she put it in the over. Two hours later she went to go get the food. She only had one glove on as she wasn’t paying attention to the timer so when she lifted it up the pan it tilted and spilled bubbling grease on her wound arm. She screamed and tossed the tray on the counter as she scrambled for cold water. Steam came up and blood went down the drain as she whimpered in pain. She crumbled to the ground reaching for her phone.

“Elisa?” Red called out when he answered.

“Ra-Raymond…” She whimpered out. 

“Elisa what’s wrong?” He asked alarmed. Keen looked up at him nervous at his tone.

“I…I…it hurts…Red it hurts.” She cried. 

“Sweetheart I’ll be right there.” He stated as he scrambled for the car. He kept the line open trying to keep Elisa talking to him as they drove. 

“Red I don’t feel good.” She gasped as she started to pass out.

“Elisa! Stay with me! We’re almost there!” He snapped into the phone, but she didn’t answer as she dropped the phone as she passed out. “Damn it, she’s out.” Red hissed as he closed the phone.

“What’s wrong?” 

“She didn’t say.” 

Red gave her the directions as they kept going until they finally arrived. He hurried through the door and found her on the kitchen floor with her arm bleeding badly. Keen hurried in with the medical kit from the back seat and she found Red trying to lift her up. They could still see the steam coming off of her wounds. 

“Oh shit.” Keen snapped as they got to work. “She needs to go to the hospital. That’s at least a second degree burn.” Keen insisted. She wetted a washcloth and wrapped it around an ice pack. When she put it on Elisa’s arm she screamed in pain. Red held her down as she started squirming.

“That hurts!” She cried shaking. 

“Elisa, it’s going to be ok.” Keen said strongly. “Focus on me, what happened?” 

“I was stupid. I picked up the pan with one hand. It tipped and I spilled grease on me.” She explained making Red flinch.

“Ok, let’s get her up.” Keen said to Red. Elisa flinched as she stood up and nearly fell over again if it wasn’t for Red. 

“Let’s get her to a doctor.” Red said as he started to take her to the car. Keen drove to the nearest hospital where the she was treated for her grease burns. Red put his jacket around her as they went back into the car and drove back to her house. He smiled to himself when she laid her head on his shoulder. They carefully helped her back inside and she slumped over on kitchen counter. 

“Thanks for your help.” She spoke quietly. Red rubbed her shoulder in comfort when he spotted the turkey pan on the counter. 

“Is that bacon?” He asked looking at it. She smirked as she nodded.

“It looks delicious.” Red announced as he placed his hat aside and started to warm up her food. 

“Are you two together?” She asked curiously looking at Keen and Red.

“No, not at all.” Keen laughed. 

“She’s more of a co-worker.” Red explained. Elisa only nodded looking over her bandage arm. 

“I made some mash potatoes if you guys want some.” She added starting to get up. 

“No, I’ll get it you sit.” Keen insisted as she got the bowl. Red placed a plate in front of her.

“You can try a piece.” She said cutting off a piece with a bit of bacon on. Red took the piece as she cut one up for Keen. It was surprisingly very good.

“This is very good.” Red said kindly. 

“I have two more pieces.” She said pointing to the pan. 

“No thanks, we already ate.” Keen said with a pat to her stomach. 

“Sorry I interrupted, but I didn’t know who else to call.” She slumped over. 

“Don’t apologize. We’re happy to help.” Red insisted with Keen nodding. Elisa took a few deep breaths to steady herself as she didn’t want to cry in front of both of them. Keen easily caught the energy and patted Elisa’s hand. 

“I’ll leave you two alone. You stay safe ok.” Keen said gently. 

“Thanks Liz.” She said quietly. Red nodded his thanks as she left the house and drove off as they had driven in her car. When the door closed Elisa burst into tears and sobbed into her arms. Red wrapped an arm around her as he rubbed her back in comfort. She looked up at him in defeat as he wiped some tears away. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” She whimpered out. 

“There’s nothing wrong with you…there’s nothing wrong with you.” He whispered tenderly as he pulled her into his arms. He kissed the top of her head as she sniffled on his chest. He just held her for a while as she just refused to move, but he didn’t care. “You should eat your food before it gets cold.” He spoke up finally. She laughed as he brought up a chair and watched her eat for a few moments. She started to suddenly eat eagerly as she suddenly felt hungry. 

“I didn’t eat all day for this.” She laughed.

“Judging from the way you’re eating I’d say it was worth it.” Red smirked. 

“I haven’t been feeling well. Holidays are awful for me, choosing between parents where to go and what to do. I decided to stay by myself. I thought it was better and it was, less stress, only phone calls, and the place was all to myself. Then I had to go and spill grease.” She grumbled with a bitter bite. 

“Tell me about your arm.” Red said going right to the point. She glared at him as she took another bite, but he glared right back at her un-moving.

“I just felt like doing it.” She muttered. 

“How is that possible? Elisa I’ve never been in a situation like this. I want to understand what makes you think it’s ok to do this.” He spoke sincerely and frustrated. She took a bite before looking at him. 

“It’s not that simple.” She stated. He blinked in surprise at the answer. “It makes me feel nothing, just the pain. It’s all I can focus on to the point where I’m bleeding and it hurts all over. I can’t just turn it off.” She insisted. 

“I wasn’t saying that.” Red said. 

“You don’t understand. You’ve never hurt yourself so you don’t get it.” She snapped getting irritated. He gritted his teeth as he didn’t know what to say. He was stuck as he didn’t know what to do. “You can’t tell me what I can and can’t do, you’re not my father.” She insisted. 

“Elisa calm down.” He pleaded. 

“Shut up!” She shouted angry tears were coming down her face. “I can’t just explain it to you just like that.” She said snapping her fingers. “You do it when you’re happy. You do it when you’re sad or whatever. It just happens. There is no explanation!” She shouted.

“Elisa, please you know I just want to help.” He said calmly. She was breathing and staring at the counter when she grabbed a glass and threw it into the wall across the hall making Red flinch in more surprise than fright. Still breathing hard she walked into the living room and slumped onto the couch. He kneeled down so that she was looking at him.   
Her eyes were dull. 

“Elisa?” He called out. 

“Go away. I need to be alone.” She mumbled as if she was in a trance. He took her hand and squeezed it.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He whispered. He shouted in surprise when she pushed him on the floor. He scrambled to his feet as Elisa stomped into the kitchen and grabbed a knife. 

“Get off me!” She shouted when Red grabbed at her. She whimpered as he squeezed her burnt arm and she let go of the knife allowing him to toss it away. He pulled her into the hallway as she started to squirm. “Let me go!” She shouted. His arm pressed into her throat and she realized she couldn’t breathe. Red grunted when she bit his arm but he kept firm to the point where she started to slump over. He lifted her up and carried her into the bedroom placing her on the bed. Her dizzy eyes finally fell closed as Red let out a bitter sigh. 

He knew he was in big trouble when she woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's Liz, Red is comforting when he says "There's nothing wrong with you." but it's such a tender moment that I had to use it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of self-harm in this chapter. 
> 
> I don't own The Blacklist as the show is owned by NBC.

Ch. 6 

He was making breakfast when she wondered into the kitchen and glared at him. 

“Good morning Elisa.” He said respectfully. 

“You choked me until I passed out.” She muttered bitterly. 

“You were waving a knife at me. You were upset.” He stated calmly. She opened to mouth to shout at him, to swear, to say something insulting, but words just wouldn’t come to her. She took a deep breath to calm herself down before she spoke again. 

“Why do you care?” She asked weakly. 

“Because no one should have to suffer this alone. I’m sure that there are people out there every day who go through what you go through that don’t have anybody. I don’t want you to be alone. I want you to know that someone is here for you.” He spoke gently. She bit her lip and turned away trying to hide tears. “I’m sorry I choked you, but I didn’t want you to hurt yourself.” He added.

“I’m sorry, I waved a knifed at you.” She said sincerely.

“I made scrambled eggs if that’s ok.” He said. 

“Thank you, it smells good.” She said sitting down. “Don’t tell your friend ok.” She said quietly.

“I hadn’t planned on it.” He said truthfully as he handed her a plate. “Do you go shopping? It is Black Friday after all.” He said casually, trying to ease her tension. 

“Not really. Don’t really care for saving big money.” She said waving her hands. “You?” 

“No, I stay inside and avoid the crowds.” He answered. They ate in silence for a few moments and Red was saddened to see her eyes were glazed over into nothingness. He always looked for emotion and he knew it was always a bad sign when there was none in a person’s eyes. 

“I cut until it hurts.” She spoke quietly. “I just do it because I’m not feeling anything. It just happens. I don’t really feel anything when the knife is on my skin. I just stare at it…like a zombie almost. It starts to hurt when I’m bleeding. That’s when I stop.” She finished. She bowed her head and took a bite out of her food.

“Maybe you could talk to a counselor, a therapist maybe?” He suggested. 

“I was, but I stopped going but I was going to a psychologist who gave me the meds.” She explained.

“Would you like me to suggest someone?” He added. 

“No, there’s a therapist on campus I can talk to.” She muttered. He squeezed her hand in comfort and she smiled weakly at him. 

“You can talk to me too.” He spoke.

“I’ve never been good at talking to people. I usually keep things in. It’s how I work.” She shrugged. 

“You’re your own person now Elisa. You don’t live with your parents. You can do what you want when you want too. I get that parents deeply influence how we act, but sometimes we have to get rid of some negative behaviors in order to get the positive ones.” He explained. 

“You sound like a wise man.” She said amazed making him laugh.

“No I just have a lot experience.” 

Xxxxx

She returned to school feeling clam and anticipating her winter break that was about three weeks away. Of course she had final projects but she was actually excited for some of them and she really didn’t have any papers this semester except for one. Red and Liz kept in contact with her, texting her every now and then. She didn’t go anywhere for Christmas as her parents had made other plans which was fine with her. So she called Red.

“Hello Elisa.” He answered kindly. 

“Hey Red…umm I was just wondering if you wanted to do Christmas dinner with me?” She blushed even though he wasn’t there. Christmas had always been a hard time with him ever since he left his family all those years ago. Lizzie was actually going to Nebraska to visit’s Sam’s remaining family so he was alone for the holiday as well…or not anymore.

“I’d love to Elisa.” He answered quickly.

“I’m making some cookies during the day for a while. It’s a tradition for me so if you want you can stop by early.” She suggested.

“Oh my gosh, I haven’t made Christmas cookies in years. Should I bring anything?” He asked curiously.

“Just an outfit you don’t mind getting messy in.” She answered. 

“What time?” 

“Is ten ok?” 

“Ten is fine.” 

Xxxxxx

After all the Merry Christmas calls Red arrived at ten with a bag in hand. 

“Oh Red, you didn’t have to do that.” She blushed as she realized he had bought her a few presents.

“It’s the least I could do.” He insisted. In truth she had managed to get him a few gifts too, but she didn’t want to say that just yet. He looked in the kitchen and his eyes went wide at the supplies on the countertop. “You really go all out.” He said, finding a recipe.

“Well I send a little box to some of my friends out of state, so I make a lot.” She explained looking him over. Even in a black-button down shirt and jeans he still looked good. He noticed her arm wasn’t bandaged anymore and her cuts were starting to heal nicely. “We’ll start with something simple, sugar cookies with the Hersey kisses on top.” She smiled. He took off his watch and put it in his pocket before he rolled up his sleeves and got to work with her. She seemed so happy, he wasn’t going to ruin it for her in anyway. 

“Merry Christmas Elisa.” He said as he was help mixing dough with her. 

“Merry Christmas Raymond.” She said happily. “I took your advice and went back to my counselor. I’m feeling a lot better now.” She explained after a few moments.

“I’m glad to see that.” He said sincerely. She didn’t mention anything more about it and he wasn’t going to mention anything either unless she said it. They made about six different kinds of cookies and even some nice chocolate covered pretzels with mini-M&n’s on them. The atmosphere was warm and inviting and Red couldn’t be happier. When they put the backing supplies away she took out a small ham and put it in the oven. “Honey-glazed right?” He asked pointing to the oven. 

“No better way to have ham.” She answered washing her hands. They sat in silence for a few moments as she looked over the closed boxes ready to be sent out through the mail with the cookies. 

“Elisa? Are you ok?” Red called out suddenly.

“Yeah sorry, just zoned out for a second.” She answered quickly. She retreated to her living room and brought Red her presents for him. 

“Elisa you didn’t have to do that.” He smirked feeling extremely touched. 

“I wanted to.” She answered. He stared at the small boxes, too nervous to open them for a few split seconds, but curiosity got the better of him of course. The first gift was a nice pair of cuff links and he smiled as they were shaped like his traditional fedora hat.

“That’s too cute.” He smiled. She only nodded blushing at him. He handed her a box and she opened it, only to gasp at the charm bracelet.

“Oh Red, thank you. This is so nice.” She gasped as she quickly put it on and showed it to him. He only smiled and nodded to her. She handed him a long box and he smirked at the funky tie that was inside. “I have a step-uncle that has all these funky ties and I got him one this year. I know it’s not your usual style but I thought I’d give it a shot.” She explained. The design looked like paint spatter. It was certainly unique.

“Thank you Elisa.” He said sincerely looking over every detail.

“I can return it if you don’t like it.” She said quickly. 

“No, no, I’m sorry. I was just looking over all the detail. It’s fascinating.” He said excitedly. He closed the box and put it aside and handed her another gift. It was a little crystal statue that was the theater symbol masks that had one mask smiling and one looking sad. 

“Oh wow Red, this is really cool.” She said looking it over. It sparkled in the light as Red took pride in her wonder. He couldn’t wait for her to open her last present, but she was all excited when she handed him her last present for him. He teased her by opening it slowly and she laughed. “Just hurry up and open it!” She jumped up excitedly. He finally did and his heart dropped. It was a piece of decorated paper that was in a simple black frame. 

It was a thank-you letter to him. 

Dear Raymond,  
You found me in alley fighting with my ex. You could have walked away and just continued with your life, but you didn’t. You took my hand when I was down and helped me get back up. I understand that I put a lot of un-necessary drama in your life and for that I am sorry.  
I can’t thank you enough for going through it with me.  
I’ve never met someone like you and I know I never will. You helped through one of the lowest points in my life. You held me, you talked me, you bandaged me up, and you even stayed the night after I stupidly waved a knife at you. Anyone else would have ran for the hills or locked me up without a second thought, but you didn’t.  
I can’t thank you enough for all the late night talks. I can’t thank you enough for having dinner with me. I can’t thank you enough for staying with me when I pass out. I can’t thank you enough for not looking away from my cuts and asking if I’m alright. Nobody else did that for me. I want you to know that if you need anyone to talk to either you can talk to me. I’d be more than happy to listen too.  
Thank you Red…for everything. 

Elisa 

He looked up at her and there were tears in her eyes as she smiled at him. He came over to her and pulled her into a hug. Just holding her and rubbing her back in silence. He kissed the top of her head before she looked up at him. 

“You’re welcome.” He whispered. She smiled and wiped her tears away, taking deep breaths to steady herself. When she turned to look at him he held out a small box for her. She giggled as she opened it. She started to cry all over again when she saw what was in the box. She stared at the blue diamond earrings that had a sapphire necklace in between them. 

“Red, they’re beautiful.” She cried. “Thank you.” She said and hugged him again. 

“Merry Christmas Elisa.” 

“Merry Christmas Red.”

Xxxxxx

The New Year wouldn’t bring good luck to Red, as Elisa watched the news one night cleaning up her dishes. 

“There was a shootout earlier today and officials believe that the infamous FBI fugitive known as Raymond ‘Red’ Reddington might have been involved…” 

Elisa didn’t hear anything else as she stared at the screen that a picture of Red in the corner. She jumped when there was suddenly a knock on her door. She turned off the tv and cautiously approached her door. She slowly unlocked it and almost didn’t open the door, fearing she knew who was on the other side. She opened the door anyway.

“Hello Elisa, may I come in?” Raymond Reddington asked politely.

“Sure.” She said weakly letting him inside. He placed his hat down and looked at her. His eye twitched when he saw that she was shaking.

“I’m sure you’ve been watching the news.” He said calmly. 

“You’re a criminal.” She said weakly with tears coming down her face. It broke his heart to see her like this. 

“Yes. I am a criminal.” He answered firmly. 

“What about Liz? Is she your accomplice or something?” 

“No, Elizabeth Keen is an FBI agent and we are working cases together.” He explained. 

“Are you going to kill me?” She whimpered out. 

“No, god, no Elisa.” He gasped finally taking hold of her gently. “I would never hurt you.” He stated firmly. She looked at his green eyes for the longest time and she knew he was sincerely. She let out a bitter sob and slumped to the floor when she realized why he was here.

“You’ve come to say goodbye.” She whimpered out. 

“Yes.” He whispered holding her close. She cried and clung to him like a lifeline. She didn’t want him to leave. He was all she had.

“Don’t go Red. Please don’t go. I won’t tell…I won’t tell.” She sobbed.

“I know, but it’s not safe for you. People might catch on sooner or later. I would never let anyone hurt you.” He state strongly holding her face up to his. She grabbed at his hand and just refused to let go. After many minutes he helped her to her feet and wiped away some of her tears. He sighed as he put his hat back on, but he took out a piece of paper from his pocket. “The number I gave you won’t work anymore, but if you need anything…” He emphasized placing the paper in her hands. She only nodded at him. “I’m sorry you found this out Elisa, but I want you to know that…I didn’t fake anything with you. My care for you was…is real. I just wanted to make sure you understood that. That me helping you wasn’t a lie.” He said in a tender voice.

“Thank you Red.” She whispered in understanding. He started walking to the door when she spoke again. “Will I ever see you again?” She asked. 

“Yes, but I don’t know when. I have to stay away. Agent Keen and I have a lot of work to do.” He answered. The door opened and the bitter cold came rushing into the room.

“Be careful Red.” She said in a stronger voice. He only managed a weak smile. He took her hand and kissed it.

“Goodbye Elisa.” 

Their eyes met for a few brief moments until he finally broke the gaze and walked away, not looking back as he got into the car and Dembe drove off. 

Xxxxx

Another case, another Blacklister gone. 

Red sat in his new safehouse drinking scotch when Liz walked in. She looked around the room and noticed a picture frame on a table of books. She didn’t say anything as she picked it up and looked at it. She gasped as she read the letter. 

“When did she give you this?” Liz asked looking at him.

“Christmas.” He answered and took another sip of his drink. She slumped next to him on the couch and noticed his curious cuff links. 

“Did Elisa give you the cuff links too?” 

“Yes.”

“Cute.” 

They sat in silence for a moment unsure of what to say or do.

“She graduated in May.” Liz finally spoke up.

“I know.” 

“I’m sorry about what happened Red. You two looked like good friends.” She said gently patting his thigh.

“Lizzie, you know I don’t have any friends.” He said slightly bitter. 

“I was wrong. You have Dembe, Mr. Kaplan…you have me.” She said firmly making him look at her. 

“Thank you Lizzie.” 

Xxxx  
He came to the Post Office the next day in his usual suite in tie, but it was only Liz that noticed the small change. 

“Did Elisa give you that tie too?” She asked him curiously after the de-briefing.

“Yes.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I did this story for mental health awareness week September 7th-13th. It's a problem that hits home for me and I feel that it needs to be addressed just as seriously as any other health problem. Writing stories like this helps me address the problem that many face because they need to know that you're not alone and there are healthy ways to address this along with people willing to help. 
> 
> There are mentions of self-harm in this chapters.   
> I don't own The Blacklist as this show is owned By NBC.   
> Thanks for all the kudos and comments.

Ch. 7 

Two years after Elisa and Red had parted he got a call late one night. He had been asleep when his phone rang and he grumbled hoping Lizzie had something that better be important. 

“What?” He grumbled. 

“Raymond.” A small voice called out. His eyes went wide when he recognized the voice.

“Elisa, what’s wrong? Are you ok?” He asked with full concern. He heard her crying through the phone as he waited for her answer. 

“Red I…I want to…I want to cut again.” She cried. “I don’t want to.” 

“It’s ok Elisa. You can talk to me.” He said gently. 

“I’ve been doing really good Red and I just…it just came over me again, the depression. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore.” She pleaded.

“Elisa, are you still at the same address?” He asked. 

“Yeah.” 

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” 

“Thanks Red.” 

Xxxx 

The door was open when he got there and he worried about the bad sign as he hurried to her bedroom. He found her on the bed with her back to the door. She looked like she was shaking. He cautiously approached the bed and placed his hand on her shoulder, leaning over her. She woke up with a mumbled. 

“Hey Red.” She smiled weakly at him. 

“How are you feeling?” He whispered. She leaned into his embrace as she tried to answer.

“I don’t know. Right now even though you’re here I feel miserable.” She said truthfully.

“I’m glad you called me.” He said sincerely.

“I just couldn’t think of anyone else and it’s been so long.” She said quietly.

“You did the right thing.” 

He rubbed her back in comfort as the silence went on and on. 

“Thank you for the flowers when I graduated.” She spoke a while later. 

“You’re welcome.” 

“I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too.” 

They eventually fell asleep in each other’s arms. Red, of course, woke up first and he couldn’t bear to move for fear of waking her up. Her hair was shorter now and she did look a little thin. Red already knew why. He kissed her forehead and she stirred in his arm. She slowly opened her eyes and smiled at him. 

“I’ll make breakfast.” She announced happily. Red followed her into the kitchen and caught her staring at a knife. When their eyes met she handed the knife to Red and he put it away in a drawer. She slowly went to the fridge and started making food. Red knew she was getting strong again. She had called him for help and he answered. He could only smile internally at the thought as even Lizzie wasn’t too welcoming with his help at times. 

She needed some guidance again. 

He would gladly do that for her.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything associated with The Blacklist. The show is owned by NBC.   
> I know Red and Keen are going to be majorly out of character for this story, so I'm sorry if it bothers anyone but it's necessary for the story because everyone needs someone to talk to or trust...in this case they just happen to be an FBI agent and a Most Wanted Criminal.


End file.
